I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire