Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
*Inspirational Tweets*
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.