[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
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Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Yup!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.