Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no