“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.