sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
barbara was highly relatable
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.