Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
You Might Also Like
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*