“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
This is a whole mood;
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My guardian angel deserves a raise