How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
this has done me in for some reason
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me