Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You Might Also Like
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.