The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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road rage
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
the greatest twitter interaction
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
😜
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.