One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
You Might Also Like
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case