IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.