I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them