Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.