Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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Breaking news:
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you