I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Banking tips
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund