Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Um … Hot Wings please
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!