[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.