[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday