When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
a god among men
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.