“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)