I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad