Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth