Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
LA today:
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!