1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
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DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!