The Onion called it…again.
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?