Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I’m confused about plants
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.