Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.