ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
that’s really how it is
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.