When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
do what now??
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.