me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.