My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Ferrari squats
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…