What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother