Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
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Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces