Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.