Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
You Might Also Like
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!