Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.