Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me when someone tries to get to know me
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.