i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.