My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
it must be school picture day
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Sheep
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
my dog when i have a friend over
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true