I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You Might Also Like
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine