ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You Might Also Like
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.