My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
These aliens are taking forever.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.