i spent way too long on this
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I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
🤣🤣
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Sponch
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?