I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh