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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
New tinder profile pic
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*