People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I only eat vegetarians.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems