I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
that’s really how it is
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Does it…does it take 3 days
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Always the barmaid, never the bar.