Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”